Getting to work
Addiction is many things. It’s a temporary answer to the human condition of suffering. It gets us temporarily out of ourselves to quiet the mind. It makes us feel ok in our own skin. However this is just a mirage, an illusion. The very thing that gives me some sense of ease and comfort ultimately turns on me and not only does it stop working, it adds to my suffering.
When we tried to stop drinking and using, it only got worse. But how? Because our solution was no longer working. The one thing we could turn to when money, society, relationships etc…had failed us; when our drug stopped working there was nothing else that can get us out of ourselves so we could once again feel comfortable.
This is why when we hit bottom, we must get to work. We must understand that as long as we don’t get busy doing the work that recovery asks of us, we will ultimately revert into that state of restless, irritable, and discontent, and then the ego says “I know what will treat this” and we go back to our addictions thinking we are choosing to do so. That’s the insanity and delusion of addiction: give the ego enough time after a bottom, and without a solid effort in recovery, the mind says “well maybe I made a bit much out of this whole recovery thing….I’m fine, really!” and not long after that is the thought “well maybe I can just have one today” and the cycle continues.
We must get to work. If you have a sponsor who isn’t moving you through the work at a decent pace (4 weeks for all the steps!) then find another one. Recovery means whatever it takes!
Withdrawals
Sometimes recovery can be just as ugly as addiction, especially early on. Withdrawals are awful, no matter what kind of drug we used. Some of us may require a brief hospitalization in order to detox long enough to where we aren’t trembling or in need of medical care. Each of us has to decide what to do here once we’ve made the decision to start getting clean and sober. Personally I was able to detox on my couch using hot baths, lots of Tylenol, and energy drinks. I had another friend in recovery who would come over on the weekends so I could still get my kids. Sure I was horizontal most of the time, and I felt like I was being thrown off a building every 5 seconds, but it worked. Over time the symptoms of not using got better. I realized all those good feelings that my body had while I was using, that those had to be paid back eventually. That’s what withdrawal is….every second of euphoria and comfort in addiction will ultimately have to be paid back in full at some point later on.
Trading a bad addiction for a less severe one
Sometimes, like was stated in the last section, recovery can be just as ugly as addiction. For myself, I had to have something to get me through in those early years so I could live. Getting off of alcohol wasn’t all that difficult for me; as I became more of an opiate junkie, the alcohol was slowly replaced with something even more powerful: pain killers. My first 3 years in recovery I was on Suboxone, and that is its own private hell. Most of the time I was still restless, irritated, and discontent. I knew that eventually I would have to go thru these withdrawals all over again if I were ever to be really free. So about 3 years into recovery, I embarked on another journey of pain and suffering.
Thank God for caffeine. I literally replaced my dependence on Suboxone with an addiction for caffeine, and I didn’t care. I had to get free of the narcotics, whatever it took. Heavily leaning on Excedrine 3 times a day, and whatever sweets/chocolate I could get my hands on, I slowly got better. I gained a bunch of weight of course, but at least I was putting some distance between myself and opiates. When I finally started to feel better, adding in some exercise helped also. I think overall it took a year to finally be totally free from opiates. It would take another 10 years to finally be rid of caffeine. But at least I was alive and a productive member of society!
Not giving up
This is probably the most important aspect of getting sober. Don’t give up! It does get better…then it gets worse. Then it gets different. Then it gets real. Then it gets real different! Recovery to me means “whatever it takes”. Whatever it takes! This is about saving your life and learning to live a new way. It is not easy. It takes effort. There will be hard times, rough times, seemingly hopeless times. But if you have the right attitude, you can and will prevail. You must get to work and you must not give up! Go to meetings, get the work done in the steps 4-9, learn the disciplines of 10&11, and take your awakened spirit into your life and where ever you are, God is. Stay close to him and he will reveal himself to you. With this attitude you will not fail!
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